Information for Adoptive Parents
Adoption is now seen as a lifelong process during which adopted persons, adoptive parents and parents often need and want information about, and contact with, one another. The Adoption Act 1984 gave Victorians involved in the adoption process easier access to this kind of information. The timely introduction of the Act challenged old ideas about permanent separation, confidentiality and privacy. Today, providing information to all involved in an adoption is seen to be a positive and mutually beneficial process.
However adoptive parents, like others involved, are not always prepared for the implications of access to information. The Adoption and Family Records Services (AFRS) can help adoptive parents get the information and support they need.
Reacting to the News
If your child wants to search, is already searching, or has been contacted by a birth parent or relative, shock is a normal first reaction.
Disbelief I didn't think this would ever happen to us
Fear Will our child leave us? Am I losing my child?
Anger The law should never have changed. We were told this could never happen.
Hurt Will my child be hurt?
Confusion My child needs support now and I don't know if I can give it... need some help with my own feelings first. Who can help me? I've always wondered what happened to her (the birth mother). Will this just be one meeting or a continuing relationship?
A period of adjustment is needed so you can come to terms with this phase of the adoption process.
Families do not always discuss adoption openly. In the past, agencies sometimes suggested that adoptive parents should not bring up the subject unless the child asked. On the other hand, the child may have felt that he or she should not discuss their adoption unless they were invited to do so.
Some adopted persons do not start searching until their adoptive parents have died. Others search without telling their adoptive parents for fear of hurting them. Some are afraid of losing their adoptive parents' love or being thought disloyal if they disclose an interest in their birth parents.
The best time for adopted persons to share information will vary greatly. It is difficult for them to decide when and how to tell their adoptive parents. They often tell their adoptive parents after the reunion with their birth parents or relatives, to give themselves time to focus on their own feelings. Adopted persons, as independent adults, wish to take control over this important part of their lives. Their experience tends to clarify the deep and permanent nature of their relationship with their adoptive parents.
Coping with Your Feelings
Handling these feelings on your own can be difficult. Sharing them can help the adjustment process.
Adoption is a family issue. Where adoptive parents support their child through the reconnection process, adoptive family relationships may emerge stronger and clearer.
It can help to talk to someone you trust, someone close to you. You could also contact an adoption information agency which has counsellors who understand adoption issues.
What Are My Rights?
Adoptive parents can obtain non-identifying information about their child's birth family, contained in adoption records, which gives a general description of your child's birth parents.
If you want current information about the birth parents, the AFRS will make an approach on your behalf. In our experience, most people agree to exchange information.
If your child is under 18 years of age, identifying information is only available with the written consent of the birth parent.
If your child is over 18 years of age, they must be informed of your application and the written permission of the birth parent must be obtained. You are entitled to leave information about yourself indicating that you would like contact if a birth parent or relative is willing.
You can leave information that you do not want contact made while your child is under 18. It helps to include a letter providing some information about the health, education and interests of your child and the reasons for not wanting contact now. This helps people to understand your wishes. It is our experience that birth parents prefer to be informed if the child develops a serious illness or dies. We can attempt to locate and inform them on your behalf.
All applicants for information attend an interview at an authorised agency. You can select a group or individual interview. If you live outside Victoria, or are isolated due to location or disability, a telephone interview can be arranged.
The purpose of the interview is to explain the services available through the AFRS and self-help and support groups. You will be told if anyone has registered as looking for you. Many people appreciate the opportunity to discuss and share issues and concerns.
If Your Child Does Not Know of the Adoption
Other families have faced this situation too. Telling your child of their adoptive status does not mean you will be rejected, although families worry that this will happen. It is now commonly accepted that it is the right of the adopted person to know of his or her adoption.
The process of telling needs careful thought. You can discuss this issue anonymously with an AFRS counsellor should you want advice or guidance.
Counselling and Self-Help
The Department of Human Service AFRS and the agencies have counsellors who understand adoption issues and can help you deal with any concerns you might have.
Also listed are two self-help and support groups for adoptive parents. They are happy to discuss your concerns over the telephone or in person. You do not need to give your name or commit yourself to further action. In the support groups, there are other adoptive parents who have had similar experiences and can appreciate your feelings. Information on local and country adoption support groups can be obtained from the AFRS on (03) 8608 5700 or 1300 769 926.
Adoption Information and Counselling Services
Adoption and Family Records Services (AFRS)
Department of Human Services
20, 570 Bourke Street
Melbourne 3000
Phone: (03) 8608 5700 or 1300 769 926