Discovering you are adopted can be quite a shock. A relative or friend may have told you, perhaps after the death of a parent. You may have found out when applying for a passport, by coming across the adoption papers or by receiving a letter from the Adoption and Family Records Service (AFRS). In whatever way you made this discovery, it is normal and common to experience a number of intense feelings.

Reacting To The News

Disbelief: There has been a mistake; I couldn't possibly be adopted.

Confusion: Who am I? I don't know who I am any more. Which one is the real me?

Anger: Why didn't anyone tell me? All my family and friends know.

Hurt: I need to sort this out. I am feeling hurt and confused. What will happen if I talk to my parents?

These are normal feelings. you are reacting to finding out something vital about yourself and your identity. There is usually a period of adjustment while you come to terms with this whole new perspective on yourself and how you began your life.

Other people who have just found out have said:

This is important to me.

I need some time and space.

I feel as if there has been a conspiracy of silence.

I always thought there was something unusual about my birth.

I have been a mess since I found out.

I feel like a fool. I never suspected or questioned.

Coping With Your Feelings

Handling these feelings on your own can be difficult. Sharing them can help the adjustment process.

Adoption is a family issue. You may wish to talk with your parents about your feelings and ask them questions. Discussing the issue with them may enable them to support you through this process. It may even be a relief to your parents to have the opportunity of discussing something they once felt they had to keep secret.

Alternatively, you may contact an Adoption and Family Records Service (AFRS) and talk with a counsellor who understands adoption issues.

Why Wasn't I Told?

You may ask yourself 'Why was I the last to know''. the reasons you were not told are often complex and vary from family to family. Part of the answer might lie in community attitudes at the time of your adoption.

Today there is an increasing community awareness of the adopted person's right to know the truth about his or her origins. In Victoria, the law giving people the right to information about their adoption was passed in 1984. In the past, the issue of adoption tended to be shrouded in secrecy. Social workers, doctors and ministers often advised adoptive parents not to tell their child. they thought they were protecting them from the social stigma of being born outside of marriage.

It is now acknowledged that in the past telling a child they were adopted and the circumstances surrounding this or her adoption was difficult for adoptive parents, particularly as there was little available at that time to assist them with the task.

If your parents did not start talking with you about adoption when you were small, they may have feared 'losing' you, or that their relationship with you would change if they told you. Most adoptive parents believed the law would never change, and made their decisions about bringing you up according to the beliefs of the time.

Adoption is now seen as a lifelong process during which adopted people, adoptive parents and birth parents often need and want information about, and contact with each other.

After The Shock

This can be a painful time in your life. After working through the initial shock and hurt, you may begin to seel the benefits in your discovery. You may realise that many puzzling things begin to make sense, such as your mother's lack of knowledge about the birth process, odd remarks you have overheard about yourself or lack of very early baby photos.

This experience may enrich your life in the long term. As you get used to this new knowledge, you may find it helpful to share your feelings and experiences with others.

Learning More About Your Origins

At this stage, you, like many adopted people, may feel the need to learn more about your adoption, for example, who your birth parents were and what the circumstances were that led to your adoption.

In Victoria, adult adopted people have the right to obtain this information. An Adoption and Family Records Service (AFRS) brochure called Information About Your Adoption explains how to apply for this information, and describes the services which may help if you are thinking of tracing your birth parents.

Counsellors are available at the Adoption and Family Records Service (AFRS) to provide more information or talk over some of the issues with you. Adoptive parents are also welcome to discuss their concerns.

Addresses for the Adoption and Family Records Service and current adoption agencies are listed in this brochure.

There is a network of adoption support groups throughout Victoria where you can meet other people and share adoption experiences. Information on metropolitan and country adoption support groups can be obtained from the Adoption and Family Records Service (AFRS) on (03) 8608 5700.

Further Information

• Adoption and Permanent Care Services
• Adoption and Family Records Service (AFRS)

20, 570 Bourke Street
Melbourne 3000
Phone: (03) 8608 5700
Fax: (03) 8608 5760